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MEL

by Kitchen Sink

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1.
A sweltering room in a small hotel outside of Hot Springs, Arkansas With the lights turned out the mosquitos look for blood And she blindly looks for love Tonight he is the poet and she is the restless page He scribbles sonnets so sweet she still sings them today One hundred telephones ring in a rhapsodic rejoice When she picks up the receiver she won't hear anyone's voice Her fingers still ache and her lip begins to quiver She wants to soar away, but gravity is such a killer Tantalizing tender tendons trace over tiny turquoise buttons And it seems like such a queer color for a young girl to wear When her dress hits the hotel carpet it almost looks like it belongs there Who's to say what's right when what's done is done She's not 16 anymore She doesn't see him anymore Her parents don't ask where she is anymore She doesn't fall in love so easily anymore His intentions are ambivalent, but he pretends that they're benevolent Do you like the night time he asks her gently Maybe the sun won't come up she says If we lay here long enough maybe we'll stay in love At least that's a chance more than I've had She pictures herself as the bride as he slowly drains his pen
2.
Baby Fat 02:45
She's about to become teen thinking about boys discovering what puberty means but she doesn't feel pretty All the compliments her parents give her never seem to reach her ears All she sees is baby fat, I thought it went away she asks Summer heat 75 degrees always in long sleeves Her friends look and wonder what is she hiding, but really she's searching Searching for dignity and grace and poise and all the other things that make all the other girls so pretty Why can't it be me daddy She asks her father innocently He brushes her hair back and kisses her forehead you're a pretty as any of them An hour later he sneaks back in and the glow of the night light turns everything green why can't they see what I see Stares into her eyes and convinces himself She's the prettiest thing I've ever seen She's the only thing I'll ever need
3.
On a porcelain floor This is what I've been waiting for With your hands on my wrist I didn't think it'd happen like this April 4th, 1994 Can you give me a few dollars for the cab ride home I didn't think it'd take so long To get to the front door of your dorm I liked what we talked about before Maya Deren films and Sylvia Plath poems High school is so dull I was worried I wouldn't be smart enough And you'd find me boring But I swear I couldn't breathe when you laughed at that joke I made And you asked if you could kiss me It was such a polite thing to say Now you're on top of me But I didn't move I didn't wanna tell you It was my first time I thought it'd ruin the mood I didn't want to lose you so soon All those high school boys said they'd take it off my hand I'm glad I gave it to you What happens next What happens after sex This is a dumb question I feel embarrassed for asking it My senior prom is at the end of the month Do you think you'd like to go? You say you don't know Maybe you're too old It's nothing personal If you change your mind give me a call We could do something else Maybe go to the mall Or we could go see a show What's that one band you're always telling me about As I watched the snow melt From the back of that yellow car I thought about what I said I began to hate myself Do you think he'll call I waited by the phone The tears began to flow But I didn't let anyone know It just hurts so much To hear your mom always say Melanie what's wrong? ... John C
4.
Sometimes your so sweet Sometimes your so mean Sometimes your so sweet I forgot how sometimes your so mean I keep reliving this scene Where we're sharing an air mattress The pink wallpaper drips As we contort our bodies to fit I've got a cellphone alarm clock Set to go off at nine The sun shimmers through the blinds But I didn't sleep at all I was just listening to you snoring It's my new favorite song I started thinking about your last name How well it flows in front of mine How well it flows in front of mine I love the hair on your legs I'd kill to be the hair on your legs So for the winter Let's put the razor blades away You woke up in a daze Said you're falling in love with me Quickly you fell back asleep And I still don't know what that means

about

I have a lot of conflicting feelings about these four songs. They are a failure in a lot of ways. One because I held on to them for so long, most of the songs date back to 2015, including everything in the recordings. I just couldn't finish it. It was either because I couldn't find an album cover or because it felt so painful to keep releasing songs with no one listening. As I listen to them now I realize my other hug failure, I failed to give Melanie her own subjectivity. Each song being told more from other peoples perspectives and the expectations they place on her. I never let Melanie speak for herself. Instead I tried to veil my own experiences into the fictional life of Melanie, but I'm not sure I'm the person to tell Melanie's story. I'm not sure I ever truly knew Melanie. Instead I projected all of my own ideas and feelings on to her.

The song that I think works the best is the last track "Melanie's Boyfriend" which comes from my perspective. It feels the most earnest and true out of everything on the album. I don't think I could write songs like this anymore. They are songs that portray sex in such a rigid and binary way and of virginity as something you have or you don't. A part of me thought it might be best to scrap these songs and move on, but it felt like a disservice to the person I was. So I thought I'd publish them with this little disclaimer. May the world be kind to them.

credits

released March 31, 2018

Billy Rudberg - Lyrics, Vocals, Guitars, Bass, Drums, Organ
Scrappy Pete - Slide Guitar

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Kitchen Sink Brooklyn, New York

Contact at
wbrudberg@gmail.com

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